I feel that ive degraded myself ever since i dont know exactly when. I used to be a girl, who loves to put on airs (in a sense, very dao) and have very high expectations of every thing. Im such a perfectionist, i want things to be perfect and i feel a need to be perfect. Therefore, i had a lot of to-dos and not-to-dos in my personal agenda for life. I stick strongly and tightly to my own principles and rules and regulations which i know for sure i would not break. But time and time again, i found myself doing things that i know i wouldnt and shouldnt do.
And why is that so?
I realised that there are certain things that are beyond my control, and i dont like it. Because i like to be in control, and i wanna control how i want my life to be.
People say that its only natural i do things which i dont see myself doing. People say that its normal that such things happen. I agree too. Im very open minded about such things, but only to other people, not myself. I dont understand why am i downgrading myself when i know i should constantly be upgrading and be everyone's envy.
Is this called growing up? I do not know. But i know for sure, ive changed.
Like what Eunice said "after one time, there will be more times." Like what Kelvin said "In time to come, i wouldnt be hearing you saying the same thing, but something of the total opposite."
Was it Kelvin that changed and made a complete upsidedown difference in my life? Or was it myself? Was it my own depressed condition and tiredness over countless failed romance that i feel so jaded of being myself?
I really do not know.
Tell me, what kind of girl should i be? Dont tell me to be myself, because ive failed to know who am i, and what am i. I dont even know what is myself, needless to say be myself.
At this instance, i really felt like giving myself a tight slap on both cheeks and scold myself till i break down and cry till im breathless.
Would that even make me feel better? I doubt so.
Im someone who gets affected very easily upon hearing what people say about me. And that sucks totally.
Nobody is perfect, and i wanna be nobody.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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